The Curse of the Female Clique

I had an amazing dream recently. It was set in the past with a large group of young women I had grown up with. We were celebrating the end of a season in our lives, and the start of another. I remember having a conversation with one of the girls about writing a new song with a world famous artist. In the next moment, I was congratulating another girl about working with a former US President on a cause she was spearheading. We weren’t afraid to speak openly with each other, and to operate at so influential a level because we were all for each other. Likewise, we were an open group of friends and not an exclusive clique.

The dream was filled with color and light, and I didn’t want to leave it. But I woke up that morning, experiencing shock as the reality of what had truly happened with that group of girls hit me and made my dream feel like an illegal fantasy. Instead of conversations about changing the world with Presidents and world renowned artists, what had prevailed was news about fallouts between one girl or another. And the reasons for the fallouts were the most petty – “she took my clothes,” “she thinks she’s all that”…”she’s after my boyfriend.” All very temporal things that mean nothing now that years have passed. The truth is the devil had had his way with that group of girls. In a lot of ways we couldn’t think beyond our noses because of his distractions.

And so I write a post like this because as life would have it, the group of female friends can take a precarious position where it’s found. When it’s done well, it is the essence of the beauty and life giving power that God has put in women. When it’s done poorly, it becomes a tool for manipulation, exclusion, and imprisonment because of innate insecurities. In this vein, the daughters who God designed to be pillars that beautify and stabilize their environments become like poison ivy on the walls. What’s sad about the matter is that I’ve found the the poison ivy in lots of places – even on the church’s walls and pews.

There is a certain type of personality that thrives, sometimes unknowingly, on the female clique in the most typical sense of the term. This personality has an innate strength that tends to draw people near, which is truly a God given gift. But left to its own devices without checks and balances, this personality can also be prone to error in its treatment of female friends. What tends to happen is that the personality might recognize another woman as an offender, and then begins to use her clique – knowingly or unknowingly – as her avenue to scathe the offender.

The clique hears of the enemy’s offenses from a very one-sided perspective, and is manipulated into a wrong judgement of her character. They may then identify her as someone to exclude from their gatherings, and they choose to remain imprisoned by this pact of offense. You see this come into play when girls feel they have to warn each other of the enemy’s presence in different events. “Oh just a heads up, I noticed Bianca RSVP’d to the party we didn’t invite her to. Keep your eyes out…” Or, in their eyes, the identified offender just can’t do anything right. She then becomes a constant target of their secret criticism.

When it gets to this, ladies, you should know that a very devilish stench has settled on your group. And no amount of makeup or perfume you wear can wipe it off. We women are life givers, as shown through our ability conceive and birth children. We have a capacity to love that is so powerful, it can disarm the hardened heart of any offender. So when we use our friendships to vilify others, we operate at a level that is deeply inferior to what God has placed in us.

And let’s talk about the offender for a minute. What exactly did she do to offend? Did she dare to be bold? To be too beautiful? To exude strength? Independent thought? Did she dare to excel in a way that just made you feel uncomfortable? If that’s the case, the offense is in your heart and not hers. And it begs you getting on your knees and asking God to work on YOU. Don’t get me wrong. There are truly offensive things that others can do to us, but wisdom and love always conquer. Not a bashing spree with the female clique.

I’ll let you in on a secret based on a scripture of wisdom. The moment you begin to alienate another of Heaven’s daughters is the moment you begin to stunt your own growth. How? If there are any graces God has put in her life, you don’t get to partake in them. After all, you’re spending your time antagonizing them. Yes, God is love and He gives grace. But He also will not be mocked. My challenge to the lovelies that find themselves in the throws of the female clique is this. Take the high road. Choose to stand for truth and life, even though the others may not. As women, we are created by God to be pillars who stabilize and beautify. Let’s reach higher for that together.


Until Later,


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