Continued from Chronicles of a Bride to Be
“There was a time I was so eager to be in love. The guy didn’t need to be the most stylish; he didn’t even need to speak perfectly. I was too eager to have what I thought was love. So, all a guy needed to do was say the right words, whether he meant them or not, and my emotions would go off running. I was childish. I stuck my hand in the fire and got burned twice; and the fire ceased to interest me again.
Sorry. My heart has become resistant to flattering words, however sincere they are. I’ve stopped putting much weight on long glances. They don’t mean much. You ask why? Well, I’ve never had anyone follow through. I’ve had the nice words, the long glances, the seemingly sweet gestures, but not the follow through…”
These were words from my heart at a point when I was callous towards relationships. Before the wedding plans, before the ring, before the first date, and well before my fiancé and I shared our first “hello,” I was one of many young ladies whose hearts had grown cold. Misinformed by the misdeeds of the young men that surrounded my youth, I placed all men – boys, I should say – in one lousy bucket. The label on that bucket had the words “player,” “heart breaker”, and “time waster” written on it.
My heart was in a cold and rocky place. I wasn’t looking for that ‘special someone’ because I wasn’t sure he existed. In my case, I had learned quickly that just because a guy seemed nice, and just because he was well liked amongst many, did not mean he was a man of true integrity. I learned quickly that actors are great at putting on a performance just to get the prize; and what damage that causes to a girl’s heart.
So, before the needles of desire in my heart could even begin to point to a love relationship, God had to change my heart. Because as I was, I could destroy whatever good relationship He had coming my way. I needed a makeover to develop something that I deeply lacked in this area of my life: trust.
And so came that defining moment that changed my life forever. That moment in a makeover when you look in the mirror and squeal because you love what you see. Except with God’s makeovers, you curl into a ball of tears because of the heart awakening truth He reveals to you.
It happened on a quiet Saturday morning when I found myself alone. I laid down in my closet with my Bible turned to the pages of Songs of Solomon. This is a book where two young lovers boldly declared their erotic love for each other. I read as the man reveled in his bride and called her a picture of perfection. And his bride said in response, “I am my beloved’s and his desire is for me.” Immediately, something broke in my callous heart.
In one fell swoop, all of the repressed romantic dreams in my heart began to gasp for air again. It left me weeping; and I realized that there was nothing wrong with me wanting to be loved and desired. Even more, I realized that God actually wanted that for me.
After repeated instances of letting my hopes up for a guy only to come up short, something in my heart had shut down. In my heart, I had believed that I wasn’t desirable, and that I wasn’t worth the chase. The moment that I believed those words, I allowed death in. Hence, my callous attitude towards the opposite sex.
As I wept that morning, God took me on journey of trust. My mind went to the moments when I had my heart broken. The lonely moments when I found myself weeping because of another let down. And then God said to me, “Do you think I never noticed you? All the times that you refused to give in to young men even while they taunted you. All the times that someone hurt you. Do you think I never saw?” Then He said to me, “I will not allow you to get in the hands of an impostor.”
I then understood why the past disappointments had to happen. Although they were emotionally painful, it was God’s loving hand keeping me away from impostors. Young men who, I now understand, did not have the capacity or vision to lead me. Men who would have destroyed me instead of beautifying me. I couldn’t tell the difference for myself, so God had stepped in and protected me Himself.
I realized that I could trust God with my heart. In the past, I couldn’t see Him protecting me and fending off the bad eggs that I naively nurtured. But now, I had a clear promise that I could stand on. God himself would not allow me to fall prey to an impostor. From that morning, my hardened heart turned into a bed of sweet roses.